The Greatest Video You’ve Ever Seen 011: Jack White’s “Sixteen Saltines”


This week The Greatest Video You’ve Ever Seen is fresher than a daisy. None of this nostalgia for 1973or even 2001 anymore. This week we are breaking down one that just came out this month, off the new Jack White album called Blunderbuss.

I am still listening and collecting my thoughts as to the quality of the album as a whole, but I already know that I love this song so I was pleased that its video meets the high standards of TGVYES for disgusting images, violence, and all-around moral turpitude.

The song is called “Sixteen Saltines” which doesn’t really tell you much about the content of the song, but if I had to wager I would say it is about a female problem. Not the female problems that females have, but the female problem that males sometime have when dealing with females. Got it?

Let me disentangle myself from the lexical knot I just tied in order to play The Greatest Video You’ve Ever Seen and break it down for you, juvenile delinquent style.

Video on Vimeo



Video on Youku



0:13 – OK, the scenery is already looking very Gummo-like and Jack White is tied up next to a couple of long-haired albinos. This looks promising. By the way: Jack White? Weird dude.

0:17 – This opening riff is very White Stripesian, which is a good thing. I’ve always liked Jack White, Indie Rocker, better than Jack White, Folky Crooner. While we’re at it, it also sounds very Beverly Hills 90210 Theme Songy, don’t you think?

0:25 – Jack shares a tender moment with the blue cave kid holding a length of rope. This might not end well. By the way, for all you non-literary geniuses, that device I just employed was called foreshadowing.

0:31 – Kudos to the observant video commenter who noticed that the severed finger lies within a hopscotch diagram that bears the mark of the beast. Of course it does.

0:38 – Where can I get me one a them diesel skateboards? That looks like a hoot and a half.

0:52 – This kid is awesome. First of all, the steps in the hair. I’m a big fan. If I was a better man I would stop writing this breakdown, go to the barbershop right now and have some of those put in. However, I’m not, so on we go. Second of all, he’s downing Robo before doing pull-ups on a chair attached to the ceiling, which is always a good move. Lastly, he gets in a quick shove of his little sister on the couch before his screen time sadly ends. What a virtuosic performance from start to finish.

1:09 – This part is terrific. The dancing was already cool enough and then it’s just like, “WHAA?!?”

1:16 – Don’t really know what this blue kid’s deal is, but I just don’t like the looks of him. I hope Jack’s gonna be OK.

1:17 – The preceding 10 seconds look like the funnest thing in the world. I haven’t really destroyed anything in a long time. Well, unless you count my dignity.

1:27 – Check that, we have a new funnest thing to do: Sticking bread to the ceiling with peanut butter, smoking weed though a coffeemaker (huh?) and gas mask, and then trying to jump up and eat said bread. Breakfast of Champions.

1:40 – Can we just pretend like we talked about the cheerleader at the diner spewing blue goo all over the unsuspecting counter boy, then licking it off as she makes out with him? It makes me a wee bit uncomfortable. We can? Thanks.

1:53 – Who hasn’t wanted to eat an apple in a coffin before?

2:00 – “Cleetus! You know you’re not supposed to play with plastic bags! I’ve told you time and again to CUT IT OUT!”

2:08 – Kid grimacing from the pain of getting a face tattoo is one of the more amusing images I have seen in awhile. I know. It’s sick, right? DON’T LOOK AT ME.

2:16 – Uh oh. It’s the albinos and that damn blue kid again. And now they’ve got bikes. And gas!

2:24 – Double trouble! Jack’s tied up in the car they’re about to torch. Man, these kids are bad! Who’s going to buy up the world’s antique jukeboxes and analog recording equipment if they kill Jack White?

2:49 – Jack White, 1975-2012. RIP.

Whew! Wasn’t that a barnburner? Thanks for watching The Greatest Video You’ve Ever Seen. Actually, shouldn’t you be thanking me for pointing it out to you? No time to figure it out. I’ve got to go eat an open-faced peanut butter sandwich off the ceiling.


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