Today we pay tribute to a hip hop icon. And his enormous schlong.
We all know about “U Can’t Touch This” and the Hammer Pants, but what do we really know about our good friend Hammer?
Did you know?
Hammer was a batboy for the MLB’s Oakland Athletics in the 1970s, but his real job was to spy on the players for the club’s owner.
He was probably given the nickname “Hammer” by major league legend Reggie Jackson because of his resemblance to another baseball great, “Hammerin’” Hank Aaron.
He started out as a Christian rapper
He produced an Oakland rapper named “Teabag”.
“U Can’t Touch This” was a #1 hit for 21 weeks on the US pop charts, which was a first for a rap song at the time.
He was briefly signed to the legendary gangsta rap label Death Row Records in the mid-90s.
He went totally broke and filed for bankruptcy.
He is now an ordained minister, mixed martial arts promoter, and Internet mogul.
There’s more, so much more. Hammer’s Wikipedia page could be made into an epic poem, but let’s get to this video, the reason we’re here.
It’s a video that is so shocking that it was banned on MTV for its graphic depiction of Hammer’s apparent erection in zebra stripe Speedos. This shit is seriously NSFW, unless you are a bartender at Shanghai Studio.
This video is brought to you by Rabshaka, lead singer and guitarist for the mysterious Shanghai cock rock trio, Friend or Foe.
Here we go! It’s The Greatest Video You’ve Ever Seen, Zebra Speedo Erection style!
0:00 – Right away, we’re showing off the video technology of the day, the red shoes against a black and white background. You know that cost him a lot at the time.
0:08 – Ah yes, the cordless phone in the pool. Super ‘90s status symbol.
0:20 – There’s some debate as to what the phrase “Pumps and a Bump” refers to. Is it taking a bump of coke and then feverishly pumping up your pair of Reebok Pumps? Does it have to do with cars with hydraulics? Is it a reference to the ample female form?
0:22 – Remote control waterfall! I can’t imagine why this dude went bankrupt.
0:30 – Actually, there’s no debate about what “Pumps and a Bump” refers to.
0:36 – There it is, the first shot of Hammer and his Speedo-clad hammer. The first of many, folks. Get comfortable.
0:45 – Anybody remember MTV’s “The Grind” with Eric Nies No? Well, it was just like this. God bless the ‘90s.
0:50 – Goddamn, look at that magnificent zebra-coated prong in all its glory. Arsenio Hall posited that Hammer was packing an actual hammer in his swimwear, and that’s actually how he got his rap name.
My own little guy just fled inside my crotch and cried at the sight of it.
Rabshaka likes this video because it makes him feel better about his monstrous member that has damn near crippled an endless parade of girls from across the globe.
And, yes, we’re going to be talking about Hammer’s hammer more. A lot more.
1:00 – Move that thang, Hammer!
1:10 – What do you think the old white lady is saying to the gatekeeper guy there? “Yes, we’re from Animal Control. We had a report about a monstrous black python on the loose in this estate and we’re here to put it down”? That’s what I would have said in her position.
1:35 – I just figured out what’s in those Speedos! It’s a can of Chocolate Pringles!
1:43 – Obviously none of these girls are afraid of snakes.
1:53 – Dude, this crotch shot is just like that time in Health class when we watched a baby being born.
1:59 – I haven’t seen this many cock shots since my last trip to the wet market on Zhenning Lu.
2:08 – Well, now we know why Hammer wore such big pants. I always wondered about that. Imagine Hammer in skinny hipster jeans. It would look like he severed off a baby’s arm and shoved it down the front of his 501s.
2:15 – Look at Hammer trying to maneuver himself under that picnic table. It reminds me of a game of Jenga magnified times infinity.
2:20 – I think that picnic table looks a little wobbly. It’s missing a leg! Hammer, could you help us out please? Maybe that’s why he stopped pumping and bumping and sat down.
2:24 – I think Hammer could have added another job to his resume: Spare blade for damaged helicopters.
2:33 – Go ahead, freeze it at 2:33. I dare you. All I can say is I’m glad Youtube has not gone 3D yet.
2:39 – Dude, where does he get these moves? It’s not dancing, it’s pornographic Pilates. And Pilates wasn’t even invented yet!
2:40 – OK, we’re halfway home. Dick joke count: 13. WE’RE ON GUINNESS PACE!
We can do this. There’s a long way to go. OH! There’s number 14.
And I wasn’t even trying hard. 15!
I hope I haven’t shot my whole wad. 16!
That’s one dick joke every 10 seconds.
2:50 – Wait a second. What’s Hammer doing with clothes on right now? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE WERE SO CLOSE TO THE RECORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:51 – This video has lost all interest for me. I’m out.
This has been The Greatest Video You’ve Ever Seen, Guinness Book of World Records disappointment style.
If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go cry. And cry.